The Tech Engineer's Song

My father was a miner on the upper Malemute.
My mother was a hostess in a house of ill repute.
And at the tender age of three they threw me on my ear.
There was nothing left for me to do but become an engineer.

Chorus:
We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers.
We can, we can, we can, we can, drink all of forty beers.
Drink up, drink up, drink up, drink up and come along with us.
'Cuz we don't give a damn for any man who don't give a damn for us.

Now, my mother peddles opium, my father's on the dole.
My sister used to walk the streets, but now she's on parole.
My brother runs a restaurant with some bedrooms in the rear.
But they don't talk to me, I'm just a GOD-DAMN engineer.

(Chorus)

Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride,
To show all the villagers her pink and pearly hide.
The most observant fellow was an engineer, of course.
He was the only one who noticed that Godiva rode a horse.
(NO Chorus)

"I've come a long, long way,"she said,"and if any man has come as far,
He'll take me off this God-damn horse, and lead me to a bar."
The two men that took her from her steed and stood her to a beer,
Were a blurry-eyed surveyor and a drunken engineer.

(Chorus)

Now, Venus is a statue made entirely out of stone.
There's not a fig leaf on her, she's as naked as a bone.
On seeing her arms were broken, an engineer discoursed,
"Why, the damn thing's broken concrete and it should be reinforced."

(Chorus)

Sir Francis Drake and all his men sailed out for Misery Bay,
They heard a Spanish rum fleet was headed out that way.
But the engineers had beaten them by a night and half a day,
And though drunk as hooligans, you could hear them say,"Hey!"

(Chorus)

Julius Ceasar went to Egypt at the age of fifty-three,
But Cloepatra's blood was red, her heart was warm and free.
And every night when Julius said good-bye at one-o'clock,
There was a Roman engineer waiting just around the block.

(Chorus)

The Army and the Navy were looking for some fun,
Down to the village where the fiery liquor runs.
But all they found were empties, for the engineers had come,
They had traded all their instruments for fiery kegs fo rum.

(Chorus)

A dolly and an engineer were sitting in the park,
The engineer was busy doing research after dark.
His scientific method was a marvel to observe.
While his right hand wrote the figures down,
His left hand traced the curves.

(Chorus)

Some folks die of ulcers, and some from drinking beer,
Some diseases are explained, and some we have to fear.
Of all the world's diseases, the one that I most fear,
Is to go to Tech, become a wreck, and wind up an engineer.

(Chorus)

An Artsman and an Engineer sat down with a gallon can,
Said the Artsman to the Engineer,"Out-drink me if you can."
The Artsman took one drink, he died; his face a moldy green,
But the Engineer kept drinking. It was only gasoline!

(Chorus)

I died at M.T.U. and was buried in the snow.
They laid a slide rule at my feet at thirty-three below.
They told Doc Berry that I'd died and had been laid to rest.
He said I'd have to come at a later date to take my chemistry test.
(NO Chorus)

Now old Doc Berry, being the dear old man he is,
Searched me out in Hell and gave me that God-damn chemistry quiz.
Satan said with no surprise,"Doc Berry's come again.
He's been fucking up the freshmen since I can't remember when!"

(Chorus)

Jesus saves his money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus saves his money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus saves his money in the Bank of Montreal,
Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves.
(NO Chorus)

Jesus saves his money, but he won't save me or you,
Jesus saves his money, but he won't save me or you,
Jesus saves his money, but he won't save me or you,
He's a Jew, he's a Jew, he's a Jew.

(Chorus)

I left my hometown high school to come to M.T.U.
They told me it was north of here and that was all I knew.
For fifty days and fifty nights I drove through sleet and snow,
But now I'm at the North Pole and there's nowhere else to go.

(Chorus)

I came to Mother Wadsworth in the fall of '63,
I found I had three roommates that were just as gross as me.
And all throughout that mighty year, we had ourselves a ball,
With what we knew we didn't need the local girls at all.

(Chorus)

Now the girls at M.T.U., well they're few and far between,
There are ten men here for every girl, a ratio that's obscene.
And all the girls have waiting lists, of this you can be sure,
So a trip back home to Detroit remains the only cure.

(Chorus)

I took my trusty shotgun and I left from Hoton town,
I roamed the hills and trudged the swamps and wandered all around.
North by east by fifty miles and fifty miles again,
I'm lost in this God-damn swamp and I'll never see home again.

(Chorus)

The Techmen and the Coeds; they were lookin' for some beer,
SPANKY'S BAR was well supplied, of this they had no fear.
When the toots walked into SPANKY'S, they all let out a roar,
For the barmaid there was something that they'd never seen before.

(Chorus)

The Coeds at DA TECH, they are as ugly as a bear,
You cannot see their faces for their stringy, kinky hair.
They wallow in the mudholes, they graze on Coed Hill,
They can crush a ton of bricks just by standing very still.

(Chorus)

Columbus sailed the ocean blue in fourteen-ninety-four,
He sailed on up the Portage Lake, right up to TECH's back door.
He thought he'd found the land of silk and spice and wine,
But all he ever found was a dirty copper mine.

(Chorus)

My mother was a miner on the upper Malemute,
My father was a pervert in a house of ill repute.
They taught me how to gross and belch and chug and be uncouth,
And when they didn't know the score, they called for Uncle Ruth.

(Chorus)

A bunch of guys from MSU came up to Michigan Tech.
They challenged us to a drinking match---the first one on the deck.
We tapped three kegs, then four, then five, then only tapped one more,
'Cuz all the guys from MSU were laying on the floor.

(Chorus)

In sixty-four a dedicated hockey fan was me,
I braved the icy cold down in the stadium of Dee.
That year the hockey jocks showed us just how well they could play,
With the Western League, the McNaughton Cup, and the N.C. double A.

(Chorus)

We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the engineers,
Too bad if we offended you with any of our cheers.
Sometimes we get too rowdy and a little out of hand,
But we're all still proud as Hell to be part of the Husky Band.

(Chorus)

I decided Tech life was the kind of life for me.
I bought a Jeep, a pair of skis, and a TI-53.
I braved the cold, the dorm food, and the lack of women here.
I lived like a monk, became a drunk, and a damn good engineer.

(Chorus)

Now economics is a course that really is a bore.
Everyone but Business Ad's are snoozing on the floor.
And English is a subject that a toot just cannot pass,
A literary concept is a thing beyond his grasp.

(Chorus)

When Playboy took a college poll to see who drank the most,
They found that Michigan Tech had by far the greatest boast.
With statistics set in front of them they found to their surprise,
If Tech were in Milwaukee, Milwaukee would be dry.

(Chorus)

Snowstorms in the Northland, they tend to be severe.
To make matters even worse, they come most of the year.
An engineer at MTU, he doesn't have to fear:
He just kicks back and waits it out, and has another beer.

(Chorus)

We are the women engineers of famous Michigan Tech,
And to our male competitors, we say, "Oh, what the Heck!"
We're here for schooling and the drinking just the same as you,
If you don't like our style -- THEN MOVE TO CMU!

(Chorus)

Mont Ripley is a challenge, it's darn near suicide,
Whenever someone mentions it, I just creep off and hide.
Some of my friends go down the hill, I think they're rather strange.
For me to even think of it, I'd have to be deranged.

(Chorus)

I decided Tech life was the kind of life for me.
I bought a Jeep, a pair of skis, and a TI-53.
I braved the cold, the dorm food, and the lack of women kind,
To find a girl I'll love for life I'll have to stand in line.

(Chorus)

I told my folks I was going north to become an engineer,
But all I do is hunt and ski and drink kegs of beer.
Until the day all tests are over and final grades come in,
That's the day I start to cry, then head for Al's again.

(Chorus)

I came to Tech to be an engineer and find a wife,
But little did I realize, I'd be here half my life.
I have no fear that someday I'll become an engineer,
However, I've become so crude that women won't come near.

(Chorus)

My parents sent me off to Tech in 1972.
They said be sure to study hard, but come back when you're through.
I found out that I liked it here; on dorm food I did thrive.
Perhaps I'll stay for Tech's centennial -- 1985!

(Chorus)

A girl at Tech will someday be an engineer,
But up until that time what she will do is clear.
The Longshot first, then Al's Halfway, and then I'd better not say,
For if Mother knew, and Father knew, there'd sure be Hell to pay.

(Chorus)

There is a physics professor who calls himself Chimino,
His perfectly round circles are considered rather neato.
For those of us who have never seen his very best,
We need only wait until we flunk our physics test.

(Chorus)

We make our home in Wadworth Hall; they pack us three per room.
It sometimes gets disgusting, but we're never long in gloom.
They call us gross, degenerate, and Minnesota Crude,
We pass the time by belching, chewing snuff, and being lewd.

(Chorus)

Your Mama was a Mopar and your Daddy was a Ford,
Your sister is a slut who has been stroked and over-bored.
Your grandma was a tractor and your grandpa was a tug,
But you're the goddamn lowest, your drive a stinkin' BUG!

(Chorus)

We traveled 'cross the Big Mac way back in 1981,
We wanted to be engineers, we heard it was lots of fun.
We left our hometown sweethearts, our Mommies, and our Pops,
But no one ever told us about those Seney cops!

(Chorus)

My roommate chews tobacco, the other wears a dress.
The room is such a pigsty, just how bad you cannot guess.
With pizza boxes stacked up, we do not need a loft,
We throw some dirty socks on top just to make it soft.

(Chorus)

The Portage is a sewer, and Hancock is a drag.
Soumi (Screw-me) girls will always lay, but I suggest you take a bag.
I wish Florida was closer, I wish Detroit was near,
But Hoton is the price you pay for becoming an engineer.

(Chorus)

My mother is a hooker, my father is a fag,
My brother shot his wife just because she is a nag.
My sister is a Hippie, but they call me a creep.
Because I am an engineer I'm considered the "Blacksheep".

(Chorus)

One fine day a Toot and Twig sat down to do a task,
They both drank pure grain alcohol from an Erlenmeyer flask.
By the time that they had finished it had eaten through the glass,
So they shouldered up their bookbags and they headed off to class.
(NO Chorus)

The library was crowded and the Univac was down again,
So they headed to the liquor store; bought whiskey, rum, and gin,
Then beer, wine, schnapps, and vodka, and mixed it all in a can.
After it was emptied, they headed for their exam.

(Chorus)

The snow was piled high up to the second story roof.
My truck is buried ten feet deep, that means I'll have to hoof.
My thumb got frostbit yesterday, I could not hitch a ride.
Today I'll take a case of Strohs, I'm not above a bribe.

(Chorus)

The girls in lower Wadsworth have never seen daylight.
Their rooms have revolving doors, they're busy every night.
Their mouths are always open and their legs are always spread.
There is a new coin changer on each and every bed.

(Chorus)

The slopes of Ol' Mont Ripley are covered all with stones.
What that means to you and me is lots of broken bones.
My K2's are a shambles, my poles are strangely bent,
Blue cross took away my card until I swear to repent.

(Chorus)

The guys that go to Hoton Tech rarely ever get laid,
The only girls that'll give 'em a chance are usually prepaid.
The older guys already know, you don't need to steal a lamb,
Just line up outside the door of a DZ or Alpha Gam.

(Chorus)

You can't study at The Library, but you can down a few.
Double Bubble at the D.T. brings the weekend in on cue.
The B&B has pickled eggs, the Dog House beer is great,
They all keep you in a stumbling, falling, red-eyed, drunken state.

(Chorus)

A C.C. Cruise is welcome any weekend of the year.
A beater car, a girl or two, and lots and lots of beer.
With K-Day, Spring-Fling, Homecoming, and Winter Carnival,
It's a wonder anybody ever graduates at all.

(Chorus)

I went into the Ad. Building to drop a class or two,
And pay a bill and see Dean Meese was all I had to do.
I wandered 'round in circles for forty nights and days,
Without a way that leads out, it's the world's most perfect maze.

(Chorus)